Sharon from Sandton had prepared thoroughly for her luxury safari in the Kruger Park. She packed three designer hats, seven coordinated safari outfits, matching leopard-print luggage, and enough skincare products to survive both the bushveld and a photoshoot for Cosmopolitan .

At 4:45 a.m. there was a knock on her chalet door.

“Morning game drive!”

Sharon looked at her watch in horror.

“This isn’t morning. This is still last night.”

Wrapped in a cashmere jersey that cost more than the game vehicle, she climbed aboard and immediately began searching for the coffee station.

“There isn’t one?” she asked. Johannes the guide shook his head.

“We stop later for coffee in the bush.”

“In the bush? Like… outdoors?”

The first sighting was a magnificent lion pride lounging beside the road. The vehicle fell silent in awe. Sharon squinted over her Raybans.

“Very regal. Very Lion King. But they look exhausted. Do they not have access to proper bedding?”

A little further on, a herd of elephants emerged from the trees. One enormous bull crossed directly in front of the vehicle. Everyone reached for their cameras.

Sharon reached for her iPhone.

“Can someone take a picture of me looking concerned about conservation?”

The elephant flapped his ears and sprayed dust over the vehicle.

“My linen!” Sharon shrieked. “This is Italian!” The elephant appeared completely unsympathetic.

Later they spotted a leopard draped elegantly over a marula tree branch.

Johannes whispered excitedly. “This is incredibly rare.” Sharon stared.

“Now that’s more like it. Look at the posture. Look at the confidence. Finally, an animal that understands presentation.” The leopard yawned and ignored her.

By midday the wildlife list was growing. Giraffes glided across the veld like supermodels. Zebras posed perfectly for photographs. A family of warthogs sprinted past with their tails sticking straight up.

“What are those?” Sharon asked. “Warthogs.”

She burst out laughing. “They look like tiny businessmen late for a meeting.”

That afternoon they found a large herd of buffalo.

Johannes explained how dangerous they could be and related the story of his previous guests. Sharon looked doubtful.

“Those? They just look like disgruntled members of a body corporate.”

Then came the rhinos. Massive, ancient-looking creatures grazing peacefully near a waterhole.

For once Sharon said nothing. She simply watched.

“Magnificent, hey?” said the guide. She nodded softly. “They really are.”

A moment later she added:

“Although I do think a little moisturiser would help.”

As the sun began to set, a fish eagle called from the river while hippos snorted in the water below. A troop of baboons clambered through the trees and a family of hyenas appeared in the fading light.

Back at camp, Sharon sat on the deck with a gin and tonic watching the sky turn orange, pink and gold.

“No traffic. No meetings. No shopping centres. No phone signal,” she said.

Johannes smiled.

“So you’ve finally embraced the wilderness?”

Sharon thought for a moment.

“Let’s not say anything reckless.”

Just then a monkey darted onto the table, grabbed her packet of imported almond biscotti and disappeared into the darkness.

Sharon jumped up. “That’s R180 worth of biscotti!”

Johannes laughed. “Welcome to Africa.”

Sharon sat down, sighed dramatically, and watched a herd of elephants silhouetted against the sunset.

“Fine,” she admitted. “The bush is spectacular.” She took a sip of her drink.

“But if one of those elephants could fetch me an oat-milk cappuccino from Sandton City, this would be a five-star experience.”