At 5:12 a.m., Johan Mbele was already awake, staring suspiciously at the ceiling fan in his safari lodge room.

In his experience, anything moving slowly and making clicking noises at dawn was either broken or trying to kill him. Outside, the African savanna stretched golden and peaceful beneath the sunrise. Birds chirped. Zebras grazed. Somewhere in the distance, a lion roared majestically.

Inside the lodge dining room, twelve international tourists were demanding oat milk. “Good morning!” Johan announced cheerfully, clapping his hands together. “Today we search for the Big Five!”

A German tourist raised his hand immediately. “Is there Wi-Fi in the jeep?” A woman from Los Angeles asked, “Will the lions come close enough for selfies?”

An elderly British man adjusted his binoculars and whispered, “I’d like to see a rhinoceros fighting a crocodile, if possible.”

Johan smiled the smile of a man whose soul had quietly left his body years ago. “Anything is possible,” he said diplomatically.

The first hour of the safari was peaceful. Johan expertly spotted giraffes, elephants, and a sleepy leopard draped over a tree branch like an expensive scarf.

The guests were thrilled. Then the French tourist stood up in the moving jeep to get a better angle for TikTok.

“Madam,” Johan said calmly, “please sit down.” “But the lighting—” “Madam. The leopard can also see the lighting.” She sat down.

A little later, they encountered a herd of zebras crossing the road “Beautiful creatures,” sighed one tourist. “Why are they striped?” asked another. Johan shrugged. “Nobody knows. Even zebras look confused.”

Then came the buffalo incident.

Now, buffalo look like large sleepy cows with bad attitudes. Tourists always underestimate them

The American guest named Doug leaned over the side of the jeep and whispered, “Hey buddy,” at a buffalo roughly the size of a refrigerator. The buffalo stared back with the cold expression of a tax auditor.

“Sir,” Johan warned, “that animal wakes up angry.”

Doug laughed. “What’s he gonna do?” The buffalo answered by charging directly at the jeep.

Chaos exploded. Someone screamed in Italian. Someone else dropped a camera lens worth more than Johan’s monthly salary. The British man shouted, “MAGNIFICENT!” like he was at the opera.

Johan expertly accelerated away while maintaining complete professional calm — externally. Internally, he was updating his résumé.

After the buffalo gave up, the jeep fell silent except for heavy breathing.

Doug slowly sat back down.

“Wow,” he whispered. “Nature is incredible.”

Johan nodded. “Yes. Nature almost upgraded you to spiritual form.”

By lunchtime, morale had recovered. The guests gathered near a watering hole eating sandwiches while hippos snorted nearby.

A cheerful Canadian tourist asked, “So what’s the most dangerous animal here?” “Mosquito,” said Johan instantly. The tourists laughed. Johan did not laugh.

The afternoon drive brought one final surprise. Near sunset, they found a pride of lions resting beneath an acacia tree. Cameras clicked furiously. One lioness lifted her head and stared directly at the jeep. The group held their breath.

Then Doug’s phone rang. Not only did it ring — it played “Born in the U.S.A.” at maximum volume. Every lion looked annoyed.

Johan closed his eyes briefly and considered becoming a fisherman. But the lions merely stood up, yawned dramatically, and wandered away into the tall grass. The tourists erupted into applause like the lions had performed for them personally.

Back at the lodge that evening, everyone thanked Johan enthusiastically.

“Best safari ever!” said the TikTok tourist. “Absolutely thrilling,” said the British man.

Doug slapped Johan on the shoulder.

“You know, I think animals really like me.”

Johan stared into the sunset for a long moment. Then he smiled.

“Yes, sir,” he said. “Especially the buffalo.”

Copyright Martin Brasg
Laughing Hyena Safaris